Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
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*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Telling my friend they will end up with the partner they deserve (insult but said in the tone of a compliment)
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.