Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
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Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
A big FUCK YOU to people driving small cars and pulling deep into parking spaces so I think I have a spot until the last second.
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
I’ve had worse
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Kids be so pure. My son was telling me how his friend’s dad works at Panda Express. I asked could he get us the hook up. My son said he didnt know but asked me why i didnt have a useful job for our life like that
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
My kid lost his tooth eating a taco 2 weeks ago and we still haven’t found it.
He swears he didn’t swallow it and that it’s “just hiding.”
Yeah, hiding in the sewer.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Tooth.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
My husband says he doesn’t understand why I hate grocery shopping so much, because he doesn’t mind it. And by “grocery shopping,” he means a quick run to the store for ice cream, treats, and snacks. You know, the “essentials.”
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.