Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.

A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”

I could have died and those would have been my last words

my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*

CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult

ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit

MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.

Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish

Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT

If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.

As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.

therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear

me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet

When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk

mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates

[Restaurant]

Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*

I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me

If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person

Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3

Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.

“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.

“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous

“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children

*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store

Hey big accounts –

What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?

My cat would be dead before I got 50

My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.

8: *gives me a pen*

Me: *takes it*

8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!

Kidnapper: we have your wife

Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!

Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.

Do kids eat more under quarantine?

Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.

Guy on an electric bike asked if I was single and I told him I’m not really “into dating right now” and he said “that’s cool” and let me ride his very cool electric bike but when it was over he said “that’s what you’re missing” and scooted off into the distance

Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!

Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you

Me: He’s murdered 7 people

I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”