Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
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Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
Asked Nonna what her biggest insecurity was when she was a young woman. She said she didn’t have time for that because of Mussolini
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Don’t go keto, go pirate. Rum, fish and beef jerky diet 💯
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
Seas the day!!!!
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
Incredible customer service.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn