Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
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In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
also my go-to takeaway order
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
