Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
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I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
Finally!
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
My recliner and I go way back
Boss: hey are those expense reports done yet?
[Me, frantically minimizing a Wikipedia tab on RABIES displayed on a 34″ ultrawide curved monitor]: no
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
It could be worse. Those could be the two guys running for president
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
Well, about your cat… There’s good news and bad news…
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown