me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
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Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.