Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.

wife: how did the poetry slam go?

me: *taping my glasses back together * better

Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…

My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.

Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.

If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.

reduce, reuse, recycle

I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns

Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.

[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.

[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.

*Meanwhile on a date*

Her: So what do you do?

Me: I’m a photographer.

Her: Wow, really?

Me: Yes. I picture us together.

*Slaps knee*

her: have i been a bad girl?

me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.

“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”

“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”

And those were his last words

Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.

Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.

Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?

*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.

You: “I’m only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me.”

Sports Broadcaster: “Here comes the oldest player in the league. He’s 32. A miracle.”

If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth

The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.

dad: you losing weight

me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet

dad: yes

[first date at a karaoke bar]

Him: you said you had the voice of a siren

Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?

My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”

Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling

As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:

“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”

Geez. Give us a break already.

Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.

[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”

Him: I’m drowning in bills

Me: You should sign up for paperless

M: what’s this about, 007?

James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am

M: are you sure?

JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him

M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?

pigeon: coo

M: my god man, you’re right!

I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!