me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
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My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Not to brag, but my best yoga pose is awkward facing dog.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
They say AI will take all our jobs, but I’d like to see AI selling cigarettes to teenagers outside 7-11
y’all made fun of plankton on spongebob for dating a computer and look at y’all now 💀
Do one thing every day that scares people.