me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
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“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
My husband said “I wondered where you were,” as if I ever moved more than two feet from the buffet table.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
That lamp looks PISSED.
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.