Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.

“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.

No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.

“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.

My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice

you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic

If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.

Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”

Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?

[being haunted]

Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*

Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that

Me:

Ghost:

Me: you know what being haunted is fine

Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here

I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move

Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.

Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.

Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.

Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..

Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.

I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.

If only

The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot

I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.

besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?

so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?

me:

taco:

me:

taco:

me: he’s shy.

I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga

Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible

7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*

{Annual Introverts Conference}

speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better

[First Day As A Director]

Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*

If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.

Me: I’d like a nap please.

Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.

Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.

Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.

Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.