Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[special ops briefing]

Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out

CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?

Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.

Sorry I disappeared from our zoom

I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe

Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”

Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”

Me: “A divorce lawyer.”

I dunno why but this feels like a trap

Rare image of an elk stepping on a Lego.⁣

Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.

wife: you need to do more around the house

me: can you change the subject please?

wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you

Don’t hate me because I can fall asleep within seconds; hate me because I can sleep through the night without having to get up to go to the bathroom.

priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]

Chasing my dream

Dream: I have a girlfriend

the council will decide your fate

#BrexitIn5Words

He’s just not into EU

Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.

One time I was at a bar with some friends and I told my one friend he was being belligerent (he was) and for the rest of the night he was like “oh I’m belligerent huh? I’m belligerent?” And it was clear he didn’t know what the word meant

a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?

no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS

Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody

Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm

Wife: he means the kids

Me: I trust them even less

honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time

Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.

me: i’m doing well

webmd: you may want to sit down

Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”

20’s: need to look cool when I go out

30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out

40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out

50’s: I don’t need to go out

I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea

NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon

Me: good, return them to their natural habitat

Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy

This is the way the world ends.

Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.

It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.

Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts

So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No

* 3 days later watching TV

OMG u rearranged the living room

– Men

Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???