I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
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him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
I always see homeless people walking around with cups of change. I bet they could afford a house if they werent drinking money all the time.
Kanye on the beach, by the water, holding two large conch shells up to either ear.
“That’s incredible”, he says
“When did I record this?”
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
Nothing terrifies me more than hearing, “Mommy close your eyes I have a present.”
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
If people knew just how many fake arguments I win when I’m in the car by myself, they would think twice before ever picking a fight with me.
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)