The problem with seducing someone via text, is you sometimes end up wrapping your warm moth, or mother around his troubling clock
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
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– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.