ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.

THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.

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The problem with seducing someone via text, is you sometimes end up wrapping your warm moth, or mother around his troubling clock


– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-


If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.


What I say: It’s time to get dressed.

What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.


Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.

Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.

Electrical engineer: Dead battery.

Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.

IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.


Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.


Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?


Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.