ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
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Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.