ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
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No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
I’ve had worse
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Happy Taco Tuesday
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time