Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.

“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”

How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.

According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.

Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.

me: in or out

dog: yep

me: which one

dog: you bet

I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.

“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.

Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.

Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.

due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police

When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things

I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??

Reasons my 4yr old is crying:

She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.

While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.

[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”

I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘

Namaste

“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?

This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL

Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?

I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.

Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.

My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there

[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count

Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.

Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!

{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?

the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos

Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker

Me: wow

My sock puppet: WOW