Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There should be something just for fun on the ballot, like voting for the best flavor of ice cream . I think that would get a lot of people really excited to get involved

When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.

My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch

HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.

ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.

I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.

I’m THIS MANY drunk!!

*holds up waffle*

If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.

Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground

i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket

I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba

Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart

I guess we don’t have a roomba

doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week

me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one

*Werewolf about to eat me*

Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.

When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?

Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.

9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.

If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.

We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go

‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’

TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.

*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*

Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?

It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing

i installed a ceiling fan in my room

[inventing chalk]

We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.

[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”

i slept so well last night

guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that

Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”

Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”

joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece

If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.

[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie

Groom: I do.

Priest: And..

Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.