Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
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People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Interior designer.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
I get all the cardio I need by running out of patience.
🙅🏻
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Cinema or bowling
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?