Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were pretty dumb if they couldn’t figure out that their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time

my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat

Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed

Yankee Candle: Please leave

Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.

They will test you…

I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.

My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”

How to become a Saint

1: Become Catholic

2: Live an exemplary and pious life

3: Perform at least two miracles

Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby

“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”

Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?

My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.

i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?

*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*

“What did you wish for?”

“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”

Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.

In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.

If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”

Lie.

My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.

Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”

18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”

28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”

British websites use biscuits.

Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet

Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood

Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking

Me: Time for school.

5-year-old: But we had three days off.

Me: So?

5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.

Teachers don’t get paid enough.

I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train

Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?

wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing

Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”

Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.

I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too

The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:

1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween

Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.

Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!