Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
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mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
Its a hippotatomus
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…
“And what is it about this job that appeals to you?”
“Well, I can fit it in around my lifestyle. Also being able to pardon myself for the crimes I’ve committed”
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥