Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
You Might Also Like
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Okay I try very hard to be respectful of the gentle parenting camp but I laughed out loud at this.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
Someone in their late 20s giving advice to someone in their early 20s is exactly like when a toddler is obsessed with a newborn
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
“We’d love to hear your feedback about our site!”
I don’t think you will….
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Did I eat too many donuts today? My stomach says yes, but my heart says no.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
My neighbor, whose name I thought was Chuck (for two years), told me his name and I immediately forgot it.
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.