Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
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imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
The dishwasher was emptied, clothes put in their hampers, and wet towels hung up without me doing any of it.
There’s only one possible explanation. We have a poltergeist
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
The news in a nutshell.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
I’m so full I could puke a horse
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
Her: How were the joggers I got you for your birthday?
Dracula: Delicious
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
Lady in the park:
Your baby is dressed beautifully what’s the occasion
Me: she’s about to go into the next size so I’m making t sure she’s worn things at least once 😂
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.