Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
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Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Practicing safe sax
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops