Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
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Single and childfree like Jesus
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Hear me out.
CROUTON BANGLES.
We have the technology.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.