Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on deathbed]

“Tell my Wif… *cough*”

Yes? Tell her what?

“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”

[dies]

texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus

I just can’t think what this suitcase is the best thing since?

We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.

I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.

I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…

With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony

Voodoo map

ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that

Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals

Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”

Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”

kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf

I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.

Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?

Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.

Thanks for the swallow!

-bird collectors (you perv!!!)

I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.

English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”

Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.

Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?

Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?

At this point, I’m not sure if my house is a mess or my mess is a house.

Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.

Guy: I want to be more than friends

Me: like business owners?

Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.

[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]

“what are you doing inside my house?”

[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.

[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?

Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”

Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!

Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?

[3 guys corner me in an alley]

3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit

It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.