Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
You Might Also Like
early stone age tool
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
The spelling of “bourgeoisie” was intended as yet another means of oppression
They say AI will take all our jobs, but I’d like to see AI selling cigarettes to teenagers outside 7-11
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
pelicons
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
I’m going to need to rewatch Idiocracy to see what happens next
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.