Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken

You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.

lmaaaaaooooooooo

When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.

Got an annoying neighbour? Leave a note on their car: “Sorry about the damage, but I’ve patched it up so you probably can’t even see it.”

Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??

Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.

astonishing how whenever you go to the post office the queue in front of you is made up almost entirely of people who appear to have ended up at the post office by accident, have in fact never visited a post office before, and have no idea what they want out of the experience

On the night before Christmas, I was taking a walk,

Avoiding my girlfriend, who “needed to talk.”

When what on my new hat did appear,

But a sprinkling of poo from eight flying reindeer!

The old sleigh driver flew on so quick,

I shook my fist and yelled, “You stupid prick!”

Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.

I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?

All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.

It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally

My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.

the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with

I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker

Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.

Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.

Is there a Black Friday sale on Hot messes?

If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.

20s: Rage Against The Machine

30s: Rage Against Literally Everything

him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?

Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions

Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.

No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.

Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.

The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:

– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf

(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)

Uh oh 👀

My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.

sitting next to you on an empty train and clicking my stopwatch every time you turn a page in your book

I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”