Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine

Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.

Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.

[first day as a baker]

boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?

me: you said to make donuts

b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!

m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too

“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.

THEM: You are not alone.

ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.

I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.

“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”

Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’

It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.

ah yes, the Supreme Court

a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream

Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”

“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn

People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…

Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…

Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!

5: are there people coming tomorrow?

me: no why?

5: well you guys cleaned the house

[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out

Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.

[Zombie Apocalypse]

Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: K

Mascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese

*dies*

Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.

Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”

I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.

When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?

Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.

Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.

I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…

All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.

~inspirational tweet

Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser

…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…

[Chapstick Season]

This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan

Me: I’ll have the steak

Waiter: how do you like it

Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet