Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
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My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
He took my last fry, your honor
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.