Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive

Her: “Men are creepy!”

Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”

if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?

Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.

Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.

Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.

Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.

When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.

He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan

account balance: $1400

me at wendy’s: show me the square cows

[writers’ room for Silent Night]

MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?

JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild

MIKE:…….jesus christ jim

I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?

My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.

Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.

(silence)

People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”

Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.

Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?

Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…

Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.

I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.

DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!

ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?

I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.

[Being Tortured]

Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?

Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee

Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant

[having a discussion]

BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse

[First day as pig farmer]

Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right

Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.

Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?

why he move like a hotel transylvania character

I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed

The glockness monster

Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant

Passport photographer: No

Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment

you’re an adult – don’t let anyone ruin your life and peace. You can do that shit on your own.

I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.