Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]

Dog: I guess I could protect you?

Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket

“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises

Me: I thought you were going to read.

10-year-old: I am.

Me: You’re watching a movie.

10: I got it from the library.

Checkmate.

She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster

My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂

[my first day at the spa]

*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*

Stages of gardening:

1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening

8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”

Me: “Not this tired.”

People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots

Visiting the cinema back in the day and asked to see “12 Monkeys”. The person serving me asked “How many?”, to which I genuinely replied with some confusion “12?”. Still makes me laugh and cringe in equal measure.

[War Museum]

Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?

Me: Actually I said Doritos

Cop: *walks away

Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH

I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.

What happened to the other hiker??!

Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.

“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose

[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*

I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line

😂🐾

i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”

Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.

Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead

The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.

[trying to get a massage]

How much for a happy ending?

“Sir, this is a library!”

*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?

Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night

me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?

drug dealer: what?

I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.

I logged on to Amazon and they said that they have run out of things that I don’t need.

Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.

I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.

DON’T make this weird…

(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)