ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
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Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
The proper way to handle accidentally walking in on your coworker in the bathroom is to wait till they’re out and then let them see you using the eye wash station
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
“Office worker” stock photos are scary. Anyone grinning ear-to-ear at a PowerPoint presentation probably has an ex-boyfriend in her freezer.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.