Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.

When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)

i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening

I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.

Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*

Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?

My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.

You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.

I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.

Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.

guy at the gym: hey can you spot me

me: ya you’re not even hiding

Me: Do you like being right-handed?

Hubby: Umm, sure… why?

Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…

His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.

-Oreo to milk

Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering

Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts

detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding

me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where

ME: [backing into driveway]

WIFE: Where’s the car?

The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production

While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.

date: I love a man who’s self aware

me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring

date: *gets super turned on*

Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”

Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*

Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.

Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”

The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.

When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?

British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years

“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”

*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving

There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.

I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?