ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
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I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Do not steal food from the science building!
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
my friend told me he couldn’t hang out because he ate a handful of fruit snacks and I was like “um ok glucose queen go off” and then he was like “my mom was visiting and she combined my THC gummies and my melatonin gummies with my fruit snacks and I don’t know what I just ate”
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
Person: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve had at least one cup of coffee.
Me: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve pet at least four dogs.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
AI is that friend who is always there for you but gives terrible advice.
Number of days since I locked myself out of the house and had to climb in through a window: ZERO
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.