I’m gonna pretend I didn’t hear that*
*Me, after not listening to a word you just said.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
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If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Isn’t that illegal?
Women have a higher risk of getting pregnant than guys.
“Maybe connect two monocles together? Pretty good idea. I have to write this down.” – the guy that invented the pen
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
A hipster so cool he is reading a tree
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?