@fro_vo

ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube

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@tsm560

I’m gonna pretend I didn’t hear that*

*Me, after not listening to a word you just said.

@squirrel74wkgn

If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.

@NinsunG

I’m a pediatrician.

Oh, so you’re into feet?

Uh no…children.

Isn’t that illegal?

@SlickestOfRicks

“Maybe connect two monocles together? Pretty good idea. I have to write this down.” – the guy that invented the pen

@TheBoydP

“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”

~Dogs probably

@WilliamAder

My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.

@iwearaonesie

mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*

@dafloydsta

[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?