Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.

How did we decide to go with cockpit?

Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh

Bad: at 4 AM.

*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*

Me: This is going to be so great.

*sleeps for 4 hours*

Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.

Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.

If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.

I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers

Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria

Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.

If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.

Kanye West Presents:

KANYE ON BROADWAY

Featuring:

“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”

What i said : I really like this song

What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes

I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.

The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.

roses are red
i fall when i skate

Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*

(The next day)

Husband: Have you seen the manual for-

Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.

Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.

WORD: wanna see paste options?

ME: no it’s fine

WORD: but check out these paste options

ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it

WORD: 🙁

ME: fine there I looked now move the box

WORD: 🙂

ME: it’s still there

WORD: which was your favorite 😐

*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*

*calls to renew prescription*

I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.

Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…

My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.

Fun Fact: Rudolph isn’t on the Epstein flight logs because he flew there himself.

my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?

st. peter: that’s right

me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say

16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year

One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?

Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?

Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.

Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged

I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.