Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.

The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW

The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”

We are all that mom.

Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS

Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”

I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.

I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.

If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.

Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?

the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.

me: *comes down to grab some water*

mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?

mil: are they happy with you?

me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂

*Good Will Hunting*

Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?

me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?

GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!

ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help

Wife: Did you take out the trash?

Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright

Wife: The trash in the kitchen

Me: Oh that…no

MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo

My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.

I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.

Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beer

The keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup

I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand

Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”

Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.

Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.

Me: I understand.

*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*

I love telling someone to be careful. Because then if they die, that’s on them

I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.

My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.

*at the pot store*

Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin

“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for

Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?

-Asking for a friend.

Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.

Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.

Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.