Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid put a bright flashlight up to his eye so naturally my response was to say, “Hey, I worked too hard to make that eye just for you to ruin it.”

Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy

Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you

[Hall of Justice]

BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham

SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet

AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp

Nice injury you got there. Be a real shame if someone added insult to it.

Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.

Me: Okay. *starts running*

*halley’s comet goes by*

*trainer dies of old age*

*halley’s comet passes again*

*the sun dies*

*final episode of the simpsons airs*

Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!

[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed

my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt

*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them

“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes

I forgot to take my packed lunch to work today, but luckily I found a banana which was strangely duct taped to a wall

I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.

nobody:

TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding

Got escorted out of a Chili’s happy hour for what the police are calling a “Weaponized Ponytail”

Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.

I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years

It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.

Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.

I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.

Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?

Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.

he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff

They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef

chiropractor: so what can i help u with today

me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman

I’m pushing for thankgiving to be at my place because I’m not a good cook, but according to every underdog sports movie I’ve ever seen, the higher the stakes the likelier it’ll all work out

Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.

Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…

Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?

lost dog

Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach

[morning]

her: did you dream about me?

me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?

her: umm no

me: then no

fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”