Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
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Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
My birthstone is kidney
that colleague who touches your screen
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.