Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
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The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
I told my four-year-old nephew to ask his teacher if nursery rhymes with cows jumping over the moon is proof of the flat Earth, and my brother got big mad at me.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?