wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
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Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.