Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
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It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Our dog knows way too many phrases now, so my husband and I have resorted to talking like Victorian nobility to get anything by him. “Have you taken the dog on a brisk adventure recently? Would you escort the canine to the backyard, forthwith? Has he supped yet?”
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda