Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
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Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on