Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
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me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
I can easily spot a wolf in sheep’s clothing but this guy was dressed like my grandmother which threw me off
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
