Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
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Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance