Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
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What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
i think both sides are to blame here
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo