Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
You Might Also Like
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
On a Zoom call at work today, a coworker said she was going on mute because she had found an emergency stash of biscuits, and was trying to eat them all before her kids came home. We all applauded.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.