Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.

I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.

The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.

Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.

My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”

[recovering from food poisoning]

Me: Finally feeling better

Leftovers in the fridge: You up?

[a robber breaks into my house]

me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him

my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]

me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho

Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it

[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.

The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating

I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.

I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read

My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.

Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??

Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!

{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!

ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.

Todd on Facebook hates being sick.

Really Todd? Most people love it.

HER: I love classic rock

ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon

My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.

me: *competes in gymnastics*

official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”

“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.

Spanish film idea. A woman sees her son wrongly imprisoned and immediately sets out to have him released. It’s called Bye Juan, Get Juan Free.

carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?

ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it

RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?

ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?

RIDDLER: Well, no, but

yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth

Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.

Me: What?

C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.

M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.

C:

M:

C: Have a nice day

My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.

my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.

I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.

Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.