Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
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I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
This is the weirdest thing I’ve ever typed, but I have had a treadmill for four years and TODAY OUT OF THE BLUE IT TALKED.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.