Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.

“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it

Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄

“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”

So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?

If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!

Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.

“Smell ya later”

-me, to my asparagus

Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played

The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.

People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!

Friend: What have you been watching lately?

Me: Zoom

“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”

“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”

“Oh rad bring it in”

What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?

A good wedding reception

[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen

My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.

Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.

Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly

requesting PTO at work is so embarrassing. “hi boss permission to enjoy my life for 3 days?”

[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle

Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.

My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!

hate the questions they ask you when you go through customs. “do you have any friends in canada” no bro and why are you rubbing it in

SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy

“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”

I want my tombstone to read:

Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping

Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit

Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*

Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.

Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.

“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.