Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution

Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…

“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy

Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.

the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards

You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet

“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎

🔊 Sound up

tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure

I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”

walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway

Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious

You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.

I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].

I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.

I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami

Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name

Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.

I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.

I get into bed.

Husband is already asleep.

I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.

Marriage is fun.

I get so annoyed when horror movies begin with the family moving to a new house, and the parents say “This place will be good for us. We will finally be happy here.”

But you already know they’re not going to be happy, because the movie is called “The Ghost That Ate Grandma”.

My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.

First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.

LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET

Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.

Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.

I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…

Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.

I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?

The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”

One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.

Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs