Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GUY WHO NORMALLY APPLAUDS WHEN THE PLANE LANDS RIGHT BEFORE THE PILOT CRASHES INTO A MOUNTAIN: boo

“Let’s circle back”

– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring

“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”

– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about

Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games

Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave

I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties

[explaining why we got fat]

Friend: I had a baby

Me: I had a donut

Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.

Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.

At the disco last night.

They played twist. I did the twist.

They played jump. I jumped.

They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.

It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.

my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up

me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair

My mood is currently on “shuffle.”

Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???

Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!

I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.

Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around

Me: I promise you I do not

When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.

In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.

Lesson learned. No donuts next time.

When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?

The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues

The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.

[happy hour with friends discussing politics]

me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.

alcohol: wanna bet.

[home alone]

murderer: [creeping up behind me]

me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!

murderer: [pauses] what kind?

I…do not understand how electricity works.

trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs

I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.

As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.

{meeting a beautiful woman who is actually into me} This looks like a job for The Fumbler

I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me

cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you

me: yeah he was not nice

[movie studio in the 2010s]

“This script stars The Rock as-”

Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT

Not now pee, I’m sleeping.

*gently puts my sense of humor in rice*