Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.

I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion

I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart

Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun

Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!

BEETROOT

Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
Come hither to my house with me

Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
I long to roast you for my tea

#NationalPoetryDay

Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.

*pulls up pants

I saw your link on Facebook.

What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.

How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl

I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.

I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.

Friend: When did you fall in love with your husband?

Me: When he called it, “Wash your sister sauce.”

WB: We want you to play the Penguin.
Colin Farrell: OK.
WB: But you’ll have to wear a ton of uncomfortable prosthetics for long periods of time.
Farrell: Sure.

*3 years later*

Farrell: I didn’t sign up for this.

Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.

Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.

Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.

Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.

“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?

A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.

Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.

sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”

Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.

What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?

If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.

The answer was “Nun of the Above”.

“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves

[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money

[creating flamingos]

god: here’s your legs

flamingo: can I just have 1

god: no u have to use 2

flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that

(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?

him: I love animals, especially dogs

me: *I could really like him*

him: birds too

me: *he’s dead to me*

Child: I can’t wait to be older.

Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.

If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling