Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway

If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.

🎉🥳

Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”

Website: We use cookies to improve performance.

Me: Same

For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.

Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*

*eat the good cheese

Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?

Parenting is easy.

Facebook is so funny. It’s a group called Black Jeep owners and a white man posted him and his black jeep and said “totally misunderstood the group name but I’m rolling w it. I love it here.” 💀💀

Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?

*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*

*table stretches to five pages*

Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”

They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.

My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me

I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.

It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.

They become even more annoying.

HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”

Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.

Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?

Me: I need to sleep

Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss

I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.

[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudges

Me: And how is my eraser?

I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.

[Cooking pasta]

Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.

Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?

I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.

g
a
r
d
e
n
e
r: what can I do for you?

me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener

GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II

ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya

Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.