Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”

AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!

ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.

AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.

My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.

Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.

Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.

Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.

I bought some Prevagen to improve memory, focus, and concentration. Now, where did I put it… I just had it a minute ago… Anyway, what was I saying?

[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope

they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”

I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.

The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?

*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?

*phone rings*

Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.

*voicemail notification*

Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.

*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS

I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:

“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.

My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.

If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.

Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?

Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck

Me: Fine, don’t tell me.

*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes

Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.

When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?

I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.

My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.

Me, one day after taking the new blood test that tells you if you’re an idiot or not: science is actually really overrated.

An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey

One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.

I’ve decided that I need to eat more vegetables, so I’m gonna make a carrot cake later.

[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute

Him: Who’s The Man?!?

Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….

*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*

Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.

Me: Really? *holds on to change*

Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.

“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”

Crowd: “NEIGH!”

“Jesus Christ.”

So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.

Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”