Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run

no one likes gloating

Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?

Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –

Son: Mom!

[first day as doctor]

me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep

patient: how can you tell?

me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders

Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.

Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?

Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…

If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.

Morning.

He died doing what he loved.

He didn’t know she was married.

GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie

ME: …

G: Only u didn’t give it to me

M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair

wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”

I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.

Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]

Date: Wow your knee is huge

When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower

At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.

Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.

Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.

*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”

My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again

One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.

[husband and wife decide to try swinging]

Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you

Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!

“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.

Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’

What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms

[after drug rehab]

Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield

Garfield: *normal cat noises*

Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.

Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}

Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.

{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.

My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.