Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?

I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”

I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person

You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.

I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.

The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.

A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?

Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops

I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.

*seductively corrects your posture*

*hears Christmas carolers*

Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.

I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do

shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween

When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.

Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”

I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.

You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.

me: *drops banger tweet

them: ha! this is funny, I wonder why he doesn’t have more followers

me: *drops another tweet

them: oh, I see

Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?

My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.

“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*

Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.

this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!

[ugly sweater contest]

*starts sweating*

*takes home the gold*

asking santa clause for nudes

Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.

[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ

A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.

My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.