Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime

*herpes

I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.

I told you these spanx were too tight.

-my tombstone

Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.

Still cracks me up

Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy

WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”

ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”

Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?

Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man

Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted

Interpreter: I can’t help u dude

When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on

[watching #diving]

ME: Huge splash! Nice!

ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.

ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.

13: Can I have the password for Amazon?

Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?

13: Yep

Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S

If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.

i’m a 10 but in the psych ward i’m a 13.

Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?

Nothing is more important to me than my family. They’re the only ones who get my references.

Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs

In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy

Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.

The joke is on this spin class instructor.

My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.

As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!

Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop

Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.

Simple enough.

Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.

[zombie apocalypse]

SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it

ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead

Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.

We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows

Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.

You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.

Me: Don’t question my art.

I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.