Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You’re going to daycare today

3: Okay

Me: We’re almost at daycare

3: Okay

Me: We’re at daycare

3: *bursts into tears*

Me: Why are you crying?!

3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare

My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.

in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape

Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.

My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!

“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people

My grandma (99, dementia) was at a trivia night in her memory care unit and they asked “Who shot JFK?” and she said “I did.”

Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.

I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask

Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast

Everyone is using AI to write business emails, texts, etc. At this point in time, we may as well just tell our AIs to talk to each other and then let us know what kind of deal they worked out

When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.

In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.

Lesson learned. No donuts next time.

I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.

My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.

Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.

Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.

“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”

I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.

my roommate had a party last night and i asked one of the guys here what his job was and he said skateboarder

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– that one really embarrassing thing you did
– literally everyone still remembers & talks about it
– you’d think they forget but no lmao
– can’t believe you did that lol

“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “

The second world war should have been called world war returns

“Grapey.”

-me after every wine at the wine-tasting

Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.

Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority

Noah

Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.

You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.

😭😭

Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.