Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
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A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.