Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He died doing what he loved: being alive

[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese

[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.

[1863]

LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—

MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers

Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”

Me: “Nope.”

Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”

ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?

DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle

Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.

[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier

PEAK POKEMON DESIGN

And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”

That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th

My doctor says I should try running with scissors.

I hate gender stereotypes.

Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.

Turns out they don’t like whisky.

God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: This one?

ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.

What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.

*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*

Everyone naked?

I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears

I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.

Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.

Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.

I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.

*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer

ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,

THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.

ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.

THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY

BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.

Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.

Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow

Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast

Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”

Sperm me would be swimming in the other direction