Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
You Might Also Like
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
Love is always patient and kind.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”