Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.

[Getting murdered]

Me: oh no

Murderer: yup

Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet

Murderer: oh no

It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws

Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.

If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.

“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep

Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.

I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised

Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?

Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips

Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.

just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: I don’t even know why I exist.

I received my electricity bill.

I think they billed me for sunlight, divine light, and the light at the end of the tunnel.

welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh

[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)

All excellent questions

I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO

Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation

Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”

Moon: “So?”

Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”

Moon: “Very funny.”

Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”

I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.

Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?

3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.

Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”

Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.

Saturday

PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.