ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
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Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
I have to find a way to get in on one of those government programs where they spend $1.7 billion dollars and wind up planting like 7 trees
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
Whoever decided to spell “schnapps” was a dippschit.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
Everything becomes normal eventually. Think of the most beautiful spot on earth, the place you would give your left arm to see just once before you die. There’s a tour guide who works there, and he wakes up every morning thinking, “Oh god, not this shit again.”
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Watching my roommate mow the grass and pretending I’m at a fancy hotel. Saying things like “they do a beautiful job here”