ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
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cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
Sunday
love to click “no borders” on my excel spreadsheets. like hell yeah brother. one world ✌️
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
He took my last fry, your honor
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
What an awful time to have common sense.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
Woke up against my better judgment again
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns