ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
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It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.