@McGrumpenstein

ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur

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@awkwardphilippe

HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me

@portmanteauface

[before police questioning]

MOB BOSS: You don’t wanna find out what we do if you break omertà, we’ll take out your whole family if you give any of us up to those pigs

RICK ASTLEY: how many times do we have to go over this

@just1fool

“But I need braaaaaaains!”

~A frustrated zombie at a Trump rally

@caseytduncan

<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife

@BoomBoomBetty

Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?

-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family

@siddharth3

Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret

@ShesAllNat

Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box

@CulturedRuffian

It’s been 3 years since I gave myself 1year to live after self diagnosing on WebMD and I’m still here defying the odds everyone. WINNING!

@stevevsninjas

Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.

@DrakeGatsby

Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.

Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.