Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Tracking an animal]

Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.

A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.

Husband: *gently taps me on the shoulder before l’ve had my first cup of coffee*

Me:

So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child

Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”

Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.

“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”

My camera roll:

NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.

ME: Oh that makes much more sense.

[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]

[walking on beach]

[find bottle with message in it]

Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?

[another bottle with message washes against my feet]

I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.

It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”

Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving

Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band

Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.

Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr

my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned

[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost

Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.

tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy

I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer

All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus

[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]

This is bullshit.

Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss

[after sex]

Her: wow that was loud

Tin man: I’m a bit rusty

“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]

Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that

God: you can go on land and water.

Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?

God: that’s where you live.

Turtle: oh my gosh.

God: what?

Turtle: I have a house boat!

Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?

(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*

[ on trial ]

me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?

judge: we can all hear you

me: then I’d like an answer to the question

I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.