Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”

-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.

My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….

Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.

My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids

when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”

If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”

christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks

if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie

Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.

Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.

I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.

[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”

Perfect.

Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free

One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher

5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.

Me: So?

5-year-old: My life is falling apart.

First day as a 911 operator:

“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”

Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.

Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year

Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth

The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them

Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.

I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD

Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sock

The End

We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly

*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed

ME: I’d like a free burrito

CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free

ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one

“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards

Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.

[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]

Snoop: Murder was the case that they gave me.

Me: oh, mine was public urination, so same