Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
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When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?